Mother’s Day - Infertility, Loss, Freedom
Happy?
Mother’s Day is not always easy. Some of us have experienced trauma around motherhood. Weather its at the hand of a mother, the loss of a mother, the loneliness of being a mother, the loss of the body you once had(pre baby), the loss of the mental health you once had(pre baby), the loss of the life you once had(pre baby), the loss of the friends you once had(pre baby), the loss of a child, the loss of the dream to ever get pregnant/have a child, the loss of the relationship with a child, the loss of a relationship with the childs other parent, the letting go of the hand of a foster child that must move on, there is endless loss that comes with motherhood. And on a day which is meant to honor, celebrate and bring joy to mothers can wind up bringing grief, sadness, pain and traumatic memories.
“Happily Ever After…”
When we got married we knew we wanted kids right away. We both loved working in our churches children’s programs, we loved being aunty/uncle and I majored in early child development in college. We both were passionate about having a large family and raising children in a fun, loving, encouraging home. I always knew that instead of a career all I wanted was to be a mom. That was my dream. The passion was strong and we started trying right away. Some even thought I was pregnant when we got married because of our “rushed” wedding. After just 1 month of dating we got engaged and 2 months later got married. It was a whirlwind but when you know you know and we were head over heals in love.
When the pregnancy tests started coming back negative and the months ticked by the questions started to come. We did the routine tests and tried to “relax” as EVERYONE was telling us.
It will?…happen.
“Just Relax…”
As the years went by I tried my best to “relax,” and not to blame myself for not “relaxing” enough (whatever that even means). If all we need to do is relax then it must mean that im failing at relaxing and that is why years are passing with no bundle of joy. If thats the case then Im failing at womanhood, Im failing my husband.
One of the worst things you can say to someone experiencing infertility is
“just relax”
“just be patient”
“it will happen”
“just do IVF”
“just adopt”
“just do it via surrogate”
“You know how to do it, right?”
“When are we going to get to see you with a baby?”
“Pregnant yet?”
I was experiencing more and more abdominal pain (which had been an undiagnosed problem since puberty) along with other unbearable symptoms. The drs all said Im young, healthy and I just need to relax. It was discussed that the stress of owning a small 1 chair salon in a retirement community was too stressful and maybe that is why. So I gave up my career. I closed the doors and said goodbye to my sweet clients. Now I was babyless, careerless, and 100% dependent on a man to provide for me. If you havent experienced that big life decision then you probably dont understand how difficult and traumatic that was. Especially with the added social stigmas and nosey judgements. But I was determined to do everything advised of me to get pregnant and so I was not the problem.
“She should be working…”
The toll on our marriage started to grow 3years in. Self blame, blame of the other, not understanding the needs of the other, the pain of the other not understanding, not understanding your own needs and feelings, not to mention the social pressures of well meaning friends and judgmental family. Well meaning people offered unsolicited, painful advice. We were isolated. I was isolated.
Did you know?
couples who don't have a baby after fertility treatments are three times more likely to get divorced or break up than those that do conceive. The feeling of loneliness, financial strain, and stress that can come with infertility takes its toll on a marriage.
“It says abortion but thats just the medical term…”
We pursued fertility treatments and sought specialists. I was brushed off and blamed. Then came the secret joy of positive tests followed by the lonely negative tests days later. Month after month. One traumatic ER visit being sent hope with a paper reading “spontaneous abortion.” Every sound of a baby cry, every giggle of a child playing, every exaserbated parents complaint stung like daggers in my broken, empty womb. Then finally came the Endometriosis diagnosis which meant my fear of “being the problem” was confirmed and our dreams of carrying a baby of our own pushed farther away.
Did you know?
One in four pregnancies ends in miscarriage—that's not one in four women will have a miscarriage, but that in all pregnancies, 25 percent of them will end in grief.
1 in 8 couples have trouble getting pregnant in the U.S.
The natural fertility rate is only 20% per month
Endometriosis (pronounced en- doh – mee – tree – oh – sis) is the name given to the condition where cells similar to the ones in the lining of the womb (uterus) are found elsewhere in the body. Each month these cells react in the same way to those in the womb, building up and then breaking down and bleeding. Unlike the cells in the womb that leave the body as a period, this blood has no way to escape.
Endometriosis affects roughly 10% (190 million) of reproductive age women and girls globally.
On average it takes 8 years from onset of symptoms to get a diagnosis.
The cause of endometriosis is unknown and there is no definite cure.
“A life of service…”
Maybe we were put on this earth to serve children and not receive children of our own. We sold our home to buy the biggest house we could afford. It wasnt pretty. It was a 4bdrm foreclosure that we had fun fixing up together as we went to classes to become foster parents. We were all in. We had found our calling.
“Are we really going to do this…”
But we learned that a “calling” isnt always meant to last forever. After 2years serving in “the system” we understood why the retention rate of foster parents and social workers is so low in California. They are over worked, under-paid, under-appreciated and head first into a broken system advocating for the most vulnerable in the community…children. Children who have experience the most unimaginable pain and suffering. Children who, so easily, get forgotten by society. Long story short we only lasted 2 years as foster parents. The judgement, shame, guilt and pain of admitting NOT being able to continue. (And yes, we are aware of the privilege we have to walk away from that system and the lack of privilege thousands of children stuck in that system, at no fault of their own, to walk away. Hence the shame and guilt.)
Did you know?
On any given day, there are nearly 437,000 children in foster care in the United States. Here in California, there are over 60,000 children in the foster care system.
Many children in California’s foster care system experience frequent placement changes. Children who are in foster care for 24 months or longer 15% experienced 5 or more placements and 44% experienced 3 or more placements.
Children in foster care have experienced abuse, neglect, and other adverse childhood experiences that can negatively impact their health. In fact, half of all kids in foster care have endured four or more adverse childhood experiences.
between 30 to 50 percent of foster families step down within the first year.
Nationally, turnover rates for child welfare workers sit at 20 percent for public agencies and 40 percent for private agencies, according to the Annie E. Casey Foundation.
“Four empty rooms and two broken hearts…”
5 years into our marriage and fertility journey. There we sat in a 4 bedroom 2 bath home on the west side of ukiah. Large back yard with the largest trampoline we could find. Zip line in the middle of its zip, dirt bike marks in the grass, chalk on the patio and deafeningly empty & quiet rooms.
“We fell to our knees…”
In each others arms, lost and alone in the world. We had a great support system however no one understood what we were going through. We fell to our knees as we had done so many times before to pursue our only hope of guidance, direction, comfort. The only one with the true power to answer our prayers and guide us to our next “calling.”.
“Don’t give up discovering your calling…”
the first 6 years of our marriage were the darkest, most humbling and surprisingly freeing of days. Going through the motions, pursuing a new dream together. To accept defeat, to accept the inability to decide our futures, to accept whatever comes next. To choose joy, appreciation and gratitude even if our dream is not what our Creator has planned for us.
“We were free. I was free…with tears in my eyes and pain in my heart.”
Im sorry if Mothers Day is hard for you. Please know you are not alone. You don’t have to suffer in silence or alone. You have purpose, you have a “calling.”
We don’t get to choose how bumpy, windy or narrow the path…however, we do get to choose…to get on a path…and keep getting back on it each time we trip and fall off…and to choose a new path…you have a choice…even when it seems like you don’t….Don’t Give Up re-discovering Your Calling.
“To live will be an awfully big adventure” - Peter Pan
LEARN, EXPLORE, ADAPT, PLAY
THERE IS NO SHAME IN SEEKING HELP OR ENCOURAGEMENT
Each of the following are links to websites that may be helpful to you or someone you know.
(For me, speaking to someone and utilizing the resources at PPI: postpartum support international was priceless)
FACTS/STATISTICS CREDIT::
World Health Organization
Marchofdimes.org
https://www.fertilityanswers.com
https://www.endometriosis-uk.org
https://www.clccal.org/resources/foster-care-facts/
https://www.brookings.edu/blog/up-front/2019/04/24/keeping-up-with-the-caseload-how-to-recruit-and-retain-foster-parents/
Thespermcheck.com
The links in this blog post are provided for your convenience and are not under the control of MENDO LEAP LLC, and are not intended as an endorsement or an affiliation by MENDO LEAP LLC of the organization or individual so linked or named.
